what i am i want (for love)

i remember the curve of your back. i remember the curve of everyone's backs. i want to be around you right now. i want to fall into you. i want to be one. i want to be. i remember darkness. i remember tears falling for the first time in exciting ways. chemical rushes and androgyny and angel wings with gears and cogs and such. i am birthed and grown and tampered with. i do surgery on the curve of my life and ascend.

i remember fishing. i remember trying to perform like a shadow. i remember trying. i remember arms, so many pressing up on me.. lifting me up. holding me down. pushing past me. laying over me. writing over. i remember laughter. i remember not knowing why i'm laughing i remember distance. i remember choices and decisions and abdications. i remember the wind through fur. i remember waking up with paws. i remember waking up and crying. i remember dogs. i remember max. [...] i remember silence. i remember the way fabric hung awkward but snug. reminding me.

i remember the shape of your back. i wouldn't let you breathe. i'm sorry. i remember quiet. i remember how i feel apart. i don't know why you don't want to consume me. like i want to consume you. i remember my collar on another dog and feeling a big wind coming through. i want to run on fields i've never seen. i want to sleep with my friends, i want to hold them. i want to dissolve. i want to vanish. i want to uphold. i want to cohere. i want to structure, i want to collapse. i remember feeling my head rest a good while longer than normal and i remember worry. i remember the drop coming seconds away.

but it went alright. i just got to rest for a bit. i remember realizing that i love you and i remember that i learned recently that love is not enough. i remember promising myself that i would do my best. and i really am trying. i remember every one of your perfect smiles. i remember your turns of phrase. i remember your effervescence. i remember your care. i remember your neon chalk hugs. i want to live with you. i remember meeting you (a different you) and knowing you were cool. i remember reaching out and getting real excited and none of that could ever capture the joy of knowing you. i want to know you forever. i want to hold you forever. i want to peel back the distance like a match aflame. i want nothing but shipwreck. i love you. forever, the way you hold me in your heart is a gift, and i hope you know i hold you so close. so so so close.