feather and tar

(re: mount eerie - "don't smoke")

hi mr. elverum,

there's probably some little part of me that wants to be dead. and my life probably would feel empty without some ritual! and my rebellion against the adults definitely hasn't ended yet (nyeheheh)!!

and what's more, the adults do sell cigarettes! and what's up with that?! they buy them, too!! kids breathe it in!!! it's all fucked-up city! but i am young, fed, housed, and loved for now. gracefully, most of my rituals are free, although you might not like some of the... freer ones (e.g., being a little thief). sorry about that, by the way. we could talk about it... only if you'd like to. [imagining.] and i love waking up these days. i start thinking of (and about) my girlfriend, getting dressed, drinking meals, sipping coffee, swallowing medication (especially with all that water), and chewing up (that freakin') scenery. and then i do most of those things (sometimes, i do other stuff...). and it just sucks that none of those things are free... not really... although they kind of are... sort of...

and i agree, there's no excuse, no good reason, no sufficient nothing to start smoking. it just sucks. smoke sucks for our bodies (they're ever so patient), for our virtues (they're still so growing...), for our loves (they're oh so breathing), and our pets (they're just so sweet). but what can i do for the smoke girls, if not love? what can i do for us all but let go? what else can i do? can any of us?

because you're right; there's no rebellion in killing yourself, or sloshing around (or laying still, or thrashing about). because there's none for martyrs, and much less for us. and i'm not being facetious. it's a terrible state of affairs (it gets all engorged and necrotic). and that's why health's so important. it's the same for presence, and clarity, and whatever, whatnot. i need to see what's happening... even if that's only what's around me (it's what i have), even if that's just to feel alive (it's what i've got), or even if that's just to be of help (it's where i am). i don't feel strong or deliberate, yet, but i want to be, and i'm leaving a door more open. we are the ones—we have to do it, and even if that's only for ourselves, not our parents, not our gods, i still want to. and we ought to take care of ourselves, grow up. and this now is as worthy a chance we'll ever get. and we've got to take responsibility. we are worth that, of and for ourselves, and that's just as we are.

we are living (in a world with each other). we won't take our punishments, we just know what to do, and we have no excuses. i can't wait. my loves all come with. and we'll walk. we'll improve ourselves (right now, we're more than we knew).

i'm smiling as i write,

in grace with your earnest work, always,

[fireworkpup]